It’s All in Her Mind

“It's all in her mind” is a line from a song by The Velvet Underground that's always stood out to me.

I have a collection of lyrics that I store in my head. These lyrics let me find calm in moments when I feel strangled by uncertainty and fear.

“It's all in her mind” disconnects me from my brain. It helps me realize that the rumination I'm battling — all these overwhelming thoughts that make my heart pound fast against my chest — are all just in my head.

But then guilt and despair catch me doubting these thoughts and force me to crash back into the ground. It's no longer just my brain on the floor, but my whole body. I'm twitching my neck four times and clawing at my arms, so much so I think I might scratch the skin off.

The thoughts and numbers have been with me since I was young, telling me what I could and couldn't do.

I'd to say goodnight to all my stuffed animals to ensure they wouldn't kill me in my sleep. I'd have my mom read me nighttime stories in specific order. I'd turn the bathroom and hallway lights off and on. I'd wash my face for exactly thirty seconds every morning and evening. I'd jump in water, fully clothed, because the thoughts told me I would die if I didn’t. I avoided wearing red dresses.

Today, some of the thoughts and compulsions are less obvious. They're subtle ruminations, but they still have the power to take up my whole day.

Maybe these thoughts are a way to seek reassurance in a world that never gives us any. A longing for control with a mind that will never rest. My head constantly circles back to the idea that I am a bad person. As I am writing this, my thoughts are telling me that my story isn’t valid. That it's not worth telling.

I share my story for others who are also struggling with their brain. Mine doesn’t have a happy ending yet, but I'm persisting. I'm writing this for anyone who has no idea what they are going through, but still had the courage to look up “why am I having bad thoughts” — just like I did.

We will continue to fight even if we wake up everyday with endless rumination, feeling lost and lonely. 

Eventually, we will find ways to breathe and let go of these thoughts. I’m not there yet, and can still barely make it through the day without feeling breathless, but I will keep fighting with you. I love you. We'll be okay, even if nothing feels okay right now.

Writing poetry helps me come to terms with the battle being waged in my head. Here's one I wrote, in honor of those lyrics from The Velvet Underground that help steady me when everything feels too much...

It's All in Her Mind

My brain,

As numbers enter my brain they turn into clusters of whispers, shrieking with trembling silence

As I put up my fingers to count a problem meant for a third grader

When they crash they stab different parts of my brain, 

My brain is flooded with unsolved problems and lonely numbers

Thoughts come before my morals can catch up

The bad thought escapes and runs away

I have no control over it

Yet why did I think it in the first place?

Guilt washes over my body and reminds me of the thought I shouldn’t have thought

That continues to stab at my head as if copying the lost numbers

My thoughts continue to work faster than I can stop them

I constantly shake with endless loops of memories, repeating statements and words,

Pleading for rest and a way out of my own head,

Till my brain escapes and floats beside me to now gracefully flee from the obsessions,

My body still trying to free itself from the loop of uncertainty and fear

Yet my heads in the air until it smashes back down with my heartbeat and breath

Then I see myself outside of my own body,

Undeserving, stuck, bad person, helpless,

And the thoughts come back

My brain.