Shame Kept Me From Honoring Myself and My Choices

I have always believed there are certain parts of myself that I can’t share with the world. Whether it be what I think, how I look, what I say or what I do; I’ve always put a question mark at the end instead of a period.

As I’ve walked the path of OCD recovery, the desire to express myself authentically keeps coming to the surface. Unfortunately, with that desire comes shame, fear and doubt. Can I express these things, or will people question and judge me? How can I change my trajectory when I have been predictable and reliably average?

Since my youth, I have battled with authenticity and how I would be perceived. “If people know ______, will I be rejected?” At the time, these fears seemed legitimate. Growing up in a home with mental illness and addiction, it seemed natural to conceal myself — the stigma and silence were just a part of the package. The shame of being “other” dictated every part of my expression. I would have rather been imperceptible than face judgement from my peers, and it kept me hidden from myself, as well as my environment. 

That pattern continued until my late 30’s, when my brain went on strike and I had my first disabling battle with OCD.

Leading up to my diagnosis, my shame only grew until it couldn’t fit inside me any longer.  It had swelled, multiplied, and eventually broken me. There was a choice that had to be made: continue with crippling shame and let it swallow me whole, or surrender control, express my feelings and allow others to see my pain and fear. It was messy and confusing, but shedding the layers of shame slowly became liberating.

I learned there is never a time when you can’t disown your shame. You are never stuck, though it’s hard work to achieve that mindset. Shame and doubt can try to sway us into believing we are permanently attached to a path and can’t veer from it. They are schoolyard bullies, trying to steal our joy and convince us that once we make a choice we are stuck with the outcome. Frankly, that couldn’t be further from the truth. You can change your hair color, career, hobbies, or mind at any time. 

OCD is known as the “doubting-disease”, so it’s no surprise that letting go of shame is scary. There are doubts if we are making the “right” decision, and it’s hard to challenge core beliefs about ourselves. 

My father told me at the height of my crisis that, “There are no mistakes, only choices and outcomes.” When shame tells you that you are stuck on a path with no way out, dare to make choices instead of standing still. Shame altered my perception and self-expression, but now I realize I am free to express myself however I want to. I can always choose again.